Weekend Wrap-up Dec 4: The Increment Excident
The Increment Excident
I stopped by a friend’s place to check on the dog. After a brisk walk, I kindly directed her to take care of her business as her owner would not be home until later. Having thoroughly explaining the situation, she proceeded to take her number 2.
Now, keep in mind that she is not a scientist by any stretch of the imagination, but I will let her explain in her own words what transpired, to create what followed that I consider a comedy of errors. And I quote:
“Well, you see, the excrement was lacking the necessary mass and density to allow gravity to exert sufficient force to extricate it form the luxurious hairs around my bumular area.” (See, I told you she wasn’t a scientist).
So, when I attempted to remove the problem in question with a sanitary wet-wipe, I must have pulled on one of those luxurious hairs situated near the aforementioned ‘bumular’ area, which startled her, causing her to dash away and make the ill-fated decision to take matters into her own ha-paws.
She scooched her butt along the frozen ground which accomplished two things-none of which were the desired outcome:
- The action increased the surface area dramatically, diffusing it unevenly (not onto the ground)
- The temperature of the ground created what could only be called a ‘poopcicle’ in the ‘bumular’ area
Opening the door allowed the dog to seek shelter inside where rugs and carpets abound-perfect for doggie bottoms. I quickly scooped up the hell hound and placed her in the tub. Now, where is the puppy shampoo?, I wondered.
Not wanting to leave the dog very long in the tub, empty of course, I frantically opened cupboards and closet doors, to no avail. Warm water and a rag it is, then.
Now, the dog is used to being bathed and groomed, so thankfully she did put up with me and the warm, wet rag, and several minutes of washing and rinsing. When I had effectively removed all traces of unwanted residue, I dried her off and let her sit on the towel to complete the process.
Finding the only dog hair product available, a bottle of fur de-matting/conditioning spray, I sprayed the fragrant aerosol mist on her behind and spent the next few minutes combing out the luxurious hair around her bumular area.
My work done (this was not what I had expected), I received the kiss I always get when I leave. She watched me sadly as I closed the door. As I left, I could only think of one thing:
“She’s going to go lick her ass, isn’t she . . .?”
From my blog this week:
Thursday Thoughts: A Book About Nothing (contains spoilers) — My thoughts on story writing.
Free Book Friday / In Conversation With Author G.G. Collins — Would you believe I only have 2 left in the queue? Any authors interested? Heck, I’ll take anyone!
Leon Stevens is a blogger, composer, artist, and an author of three books (so far): Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures, Journeys: Eight Original Pieces for Classical Guitar and The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories.
Originally published at http://linesbyleon.com on December 4, 2021.
